I’m not sure if I’m not good at finding closure, or perhaps I’m just forever bitter and petty over things I feel wronged in. I try to maintain a ‘let it go’ type of mind but that’s just not who I am at all. I’ve been hurt by people I trusted the most over the past years and it takes it’s toll. It constantly leaves me with a pit in my gut because I’ve not said my piece. I’m argumentative naturally especially when I know I’m in the right and it’s just me. Maybe it’s a flaw, maybe it’s stubbornness, but I’m not going to change who I am.
I feel this the most while trying to return to being an active poet online because the community I loved I slowly saw was a secret vile battleground. I’ve tested the waters and saw the outcomes, and one of the biggest things I want to say to anyone is if you’re going to trash people in the DMs, the people you write blurbs for or praise or call friends, be prepared for someone to leak that out. I had someone come to me and provide me with stuff that was being said about me and my friends at the time and I’ll never be over that I couldn’t just come out with it. I promised the person I wouldn’t even tell my friends who I got it from.
There were other people that admitted stuff was said in DMs and It was painful. Hurtful. It’s a wound that doesn’t heal sometimes. It’s a wound that sits there, blooming and fading repeatedly. The longer I dug though the more I found out and it was a lot to handle. I wish there was some sort of justice but that just isn’t how this stuff goes. Popularity will always win.
What hurts the most in the end though, after getting away, taking the breaks I needed, channeling my energy into other things. The ones I trusted and loved the most, lied to my face that I didn’t try, when I had the unanswered messages to them sitting in my inbox for months. I was distant for personal reasons that no one ever asked, and I didn’t expect them to. Thought messages went through though, I tried. They weren’t answered.
I think that’s what makes it so hard to find a place.